I don't know what, and it isn't bad, but something has changed. Suddenly I am not the same person I used to be. I am not interested in the things I used to be interested in. I have a different self image than I used to. Suddenly things like photography and yoga seem more interesting. I have decided to grow my hair long for the first time since I was 12. I know I am bigger than I was when I was a teenager, but I feel like I have had 2 babies and I look pretty good considering, (not that I have not been making an effort to eat better and get alittle exercise so I lose a bit more of this baby weight ;) ) I hate my job that up until this point I absolutely loved. I have a passion for finding out more about my family history. I am interested in learning more about Buddhism. I still like to dance and I still like to watch every horror movie ever made. My taste in music seems to have changed though, not completely, but didn't I used to like Metallica? Sure, I still like Rob Zombie, but at one time a band like Flyleaf would have been the greatest band since the Beatles for me. I still feel like my calling in life is to be a doctor, though some days that seems miles away. I have completely let go of any grudge I have held (which i am not very good at anyway, but there were a few.) This has not been a gradual change, but seems to have all happened in the past six months. What is different?
I am bored!!!!! Plain and simple, bored! I never get bored at home, only at work. I just want something more interesting to do. I have been thinking about how much I really want an inversion table, but there is only so much you can say about that, I want one, I can't afford one, that is about it. :P Wow, I really wish I had something more interesting to say, but I supposed if I did I would not be so bored! I want to go home :P
I finally figured it out. I am unhappy because i am simply not made to do this. I am not a computer geek. I have tried. I'm just not cut out for it. I like techie toys, I have no problem understanding anything about them. I don't think of most of the general fundtions as being complicated, (but the people I talk to everyday would make you think pushing the power button or clicking a link is brain surgery.) The problem is that I think to be a computer geek you have to enjoy the feeling of knowing more than everyone else about computer stuff. You have to like people having to come to you to ask questions, many that probably seem ridiculously trivial ("My screen says 'Press Any Key' but i don't have an 'Any' key! What do I do" - yes people do ask this more often then I would have at one time ever thought possible. Some people even ask this on a regular basis.) Unfortunately I don't enjoy feeling smarter than all those people. What I feel is annoyed that they can't understand something that seems so simple. I have nothing agains computer geeks, they are great, but when I try to be one I am just a square peg. I need something more, I don't know, not computery. I really need to be able to finish my bachelors so I can shoot for med school. Maybe I should get a job at one of the universities to maybe offset what my tuition is going to cost. But I can't do this forever. I am just happy I have direction, be it ever so slow.
Not to make myself sound crazy or anything, but do you ever have a completely imaginary conversation with someone in your head? Or play out an entire meaningless situation? Sometimes I will think that I really want to tell someone something and the next thing I know I am having an indepth conversation with them in my head. I don't really think of it as daydreaming because I always thought of that as being when you just kind of space out or are fantasizing abotu something. I wouldn't say i fantisize about stuff like this because sometimes the way I imagine the person would react is not the way I would want them to react. I hope I don't make that spacey face like JD on Scrubs......