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So today I have had a long day, not a bad one, just long. I have barely seen my husband in a week and won' see him tonight, my house looks like it has been hit by a tornado inside (I don't think I have 4 clean dishes), I am pregnant and uncomfy, and I found out some stuff at work that makes it really hard to continue going to work. So I was looking at health assistance today, just wondering if we would qualify if I did not work (with the 2 children we have, we are breaking even with daycare and all, I only work for health insurance.) I realized with me being pregnant (in my state at least the unborn child apparently counts) and excluding my income that is pretty much worthless (once again, daycare and insurance) we are living just above the poverty line! So for this I was feeling kind of sorry for myself. 3years ago, with one child we were actually doing very well for a couple in their early twenties, we have the same jobs but now we have 2 kid and one on the way with a souring economy. This came as a shock obviously. So I was on my way hoome, feeling sorry for myself and crying and I was thinking that I dont know what difference labels make. With or without labels we still don't really have any money for entertainment expenses and have been doing alright. We eat broke food, have a netflix account (much cheaper than going out!) we have a Wii, and now that the weather is nice we take the boys to the park, or fishing, or some other free thing :P But I still felt bad, how could things have been so good just a short time ago? as I was thinking about all the things that suck about where we are at right now I thought about the one thing that was right, I have a wonderful husband, and not everyone can say that. And suddenly everything seemed ok, as long as we have had each other everything has always been fine. When we first got married I always used to tell him I would be happy sitting on milk crates as long as I was sitting on them with him. I realized today we aren't far ahead of that, and I am happy. My philosophy as always been "All You Need is Love," but I think today was the first time I ever really faced it. As long as I have him, everything is good.
I HATE corporate America!! HATE IT HATE IT HATE IT!!!!!!!!!!!! It is not that I refuse to shop at WalMart (for most "middle class" Americans shopping at discount stores is the only means of survival) though I do disagree with the way they do business, that is not where my anger and frustration is directed. I work for a small communications company, we have roughly a quarter of a million customers - many of which are in the agriculture industry. I have worked for this company for four and a half years, and in the first year I actually liked it, but now the only positive thing about my job is the people I work with. I can't even look forward to a paycheck as what does not go to pay for daycare so I can go to work goes to health insurance, which is the only reason I come back every day. For nearly five years I have sat in a cube farm, under florescent lights (which after several years actually yellows your skin a little - really gross,) shackled to a phone. The part that irks me the most is that I happen to fall in the category of being the bacteria in the gum on the bottom of our CEO's shoe. I am in a technical support department and we are often thought of as being the lowest in the company. Truthfully I have no desire to move up within the company as I do not want to basically be a techy my whole life and I really don't want to work in the corporate environment my whole life. Not that it would matter if I did or not, when they recruit people for our department they tell them it is an entry level position with all kinds of room for expansion, but very rarely does anyone get promoted out of our department, they usually leave.

Getting to the point, I think if I have to spend another year being seen as a cookie cutter piece of garbage I will officially lose my mind. I hate that in the corporate enviorment you are pressured to have no real personality, they tell you that they like diversity in their employees, but they really don't. What they want is for everyone to be in a neat and orderly line, and if you step out of it, you may very well step on a landmine. I hate ugly mauve colored cube walls (I know, some offices are grey, but you get the point) and florescent lighting. I hate that one person can have a cross and a bible on their desk and it is expected to be ok, but if another has a Buddha or some type of pentagram or other religious symbol, people complain it makes them uncomfortable. I hate that there is a structure in corporations that allows no thinking outside the box, it gives people "creative room" but only within the confines of what some type of puppeteer is intending that they create, if it is not already something preconceived, it will likely be dismissed without any further question. I hate that 1 minute late is an offense worth firing over. I hate that I get punished because I have a sick child that I need to be home with. But most of all, above everything, I LOATHE bootlicking. For example "The CEO is coming tomorrow, be sure you look your best, and your desk is neat and tidy with no personal affects on it." I am considered scum, and everyone is above me, but I am not sure what makes someone a better and more deserving human being just because they knew the right person, or were in the right place at the right time, or whatever other reason they got to be a company executive, a position it is VERY unlikely anyone gets by being a genuinely good human being. My skin just crawls when I see people falling all over themselves to suck on the toes of someone above them, but that happens in this type of enviornment all the time. It is not only executives though, for example, my company has a general thought that a customer that pays $100 a month is much less deserving of our assistance and time than a customer that pays us $300 a month, no where do we state that higher monthly fees mean better service, but we seem to only really care about high end customers, and much like the low end employees, our high end customers are more or less told to be quiet. In short, I hate that in this type of enviornment no one is allowed any type of wiggle room and one human being is placed so easily above another. There is nothing about a paycheck that makes someone a better human being than me. People at McDonalds make less than I do, but that does not make them any less of a good person, any less intelligent, any less than me in any way. Their thoughts, opinions, feelings, health, family and everythign else about them is just as important as mine. IT MAKES ME SICK THAT IN THIS COUNTRY THE CORPORATE MINDSET IS ACCEPTED AS CORRECT THOUGHT.

As a little disclaimer, I would like to say that I do not think I really work for a bad company, they just operate like any other company. Also, I know people that thrive in the corporate enviornment in which brown nosing and knowing your place is the norm, and I think of some of these people as friends. I simply do not agree with this frame of mind and I refuse to be confined to it for the rest of my life. As a side note, the corporate ladder has never been my career goal. I hope to make it back to school when my kids are a little older to complete my biology degree and eventually go to medical school for psychiatry
I find it sad that we put so much effort into preserving paintings and sculptures so we can continue to enjoy them for hundreds of years, but when it comes to music and film we seem to be happy to dispose of it. Why is this? What can we do to stop this?

I don't know what, and it isn't bad, but something has changed.  Suddenly I am not the same person I used to be.  I am not interested in the things I used to be interested in.  I have a different self image than I used to.  Suddenly things like photography and yoga seem more interesting.  I have decided to grow my hair long for the first time since I was 12.  I know I am bigger than I was when I was a teenager, but I feel like I have had 2 babies and I look pretty good considering, (not that I have not been making an effort to eat better and get alittle exercise so I lose a bit more of this baby weight ;) )   I hate my job that up until this point I absolutely loved.  I have a passion for finding out more about my family history.  I am interested in learning more about Buddhism.  I still like to dance and I still like to watch every horror movie ever made.  My taste in music seems to have changed though, not completely, but didn't I used to like Metallica?  Sure, I still like Rob Zombie, but at one time a band like Flyleaf would have been the greatest band since the Beatles for me.  I still feel like my calling in life is to be a doctor, though some days that seems miles away.  I have completely let go of any grudge I have held (which i am not very good at anyway, but there were a few.)  This has not been a gradual change, but seems to have all happened in the past six months.  What is different? 


I am bored!!!!!  Plain and simple, bored!  I never get bored at home, only at work.  I just want something more interesting to do.  I have been thinking about how much I really want an inversion table, but there is only so much you can say about that, I want one, I can't afford one, that is about it.  :P  Wow, I really wish I had something more interesting to say, but I supposed if I did I would not be so bored!  I want to go home :P


I finally figured it out.  I am unhappy because i am simply not made to do this.  I am not a computer geek.  I have tried.  I'm just not cut out for it.  I like techie toys, I have no problem understanding anything about them.  I don't think of most of the general fundtions as being complicated, (but the people I talk to everyday would make you think pushing the power button or clicking a link is brain surgery.)  The problem is that I think to be a computer geek you have to enjoy the feeling of knowing more than everyone else about computer stuff.  You have to like people having to come to you to ask questions, many that probably seem ridiculously trivial ("My screen says 'Press Any Key' but i don't have an 'Any' key!  What do I do" - yes people do ask this more often then I would have at one time ever thought possible.  Some people even ask this on a regular basis.)  Unfortunately I don't enjoy feeling smarter than all those people.  What I feel is annoyed that they can't understand something that seems so simple.  I have nothing agains computer geeks, they are great, but when I try to be one I am just a square peg.  I need something more, I don't know, not computery.  I really need to be able to finish my bachelors so I can shoot for med school.  Maybe I should get a job at one of the universities to maybe offset what my tuition is going to cost.  But I can't do this forever.  I am just happy I have direction, be it ever so slow. 

I want to point out, I must really sound like a negative person, but really, I'm not, I am an extremely happy person (I think I probably nauseate some people), and I don't tend to let things stress me out or get me down.  Maybe things have just been rough lately, maybe it is that I don't like putting problems I do have on other people, or doing/saying anything that might make someone else feel bad in any way so I never get a chance to let it out and this seems like a good way.  Regardless, I apologize if I seem angry/depressed/bitchy, whatever.  
So after that little apology, I still have things to complain about :P  This probably isn't news to most people, but it just hit me that I hate my job.  I have been doing the same thing for almost 4 years now.  I used to love it, I used to see it as I get to talk to people for a living, but somewhere along the line, pretty recently, something jaded me with it.  I have no idea what, maybe just burn out.  Now rather than saying "I get to talk to people," I find myself saying "I have to put up with another person that is either going to scream at me for something I have no control over or someone that does not understand the simpliest computer operations, yet chooses to use a product that requires use of the internet and choose to not try to actually learn anything about it.  Either way I am dealing with grown adults that behave like 4 year olds.  It is fine for four year olds to behave that way, but for grown adults it is just being childish and ignorant and there is no excuse.  I know everyone hates their job, but I used to be one of the few that didn't.

Not to make myself sound crazy or anything, but do you ever have a completely imaginary conversation with someone in your head?  Or play out an entire meaningless situation?  Sometimes I will think that I really want to tell someone something and the next thing I know I am having an indepth conversation with them in my head.  I don't really think of it as daydreaming  because I always thought of that as being when you just kind of space out or are fantasizing abotu something.  I wouldn't say i fantisize about stuff like this because sometimes the way I imagine the person would react is not the way I would want them to react.  I hope I don't make that spacey face like JD on Scrubs......

Ok, heres the thing, I don't generally like to point out my political opinions to people because they tend to get really sensitive about things like that, but I have to address this:
 Group of Eight leaders on Thursday agreed on a plan calling for "substantial cuts" to greenhouse gas emissions, but the compromise with President Bush left France's leader wishing a stronger stand had been taken.
I don't really buy into the whole Global Warming thing, I think it is a natural long term cycle of the Earth, and there is nothing you can say that will make me change my mind, there is evidence to support my point of view too, but that is not the point here.  The point is, what would it hurt for us to take a real step toward simply having a cleaner planet?  Would that kill us?  Really?  Are we as Americans so arrogant that we would rather live in filth than actually find ways to reduce our usage of, well, anything?  We are so wasteful.
Oh God! For the first time in my 24 year long life I just got called fat! I can’t be that big can I?? I was looking at a bikini, minding my own business, when this girl next me looks at me and says to her friend “Are you sure these are not for big girls? She is definitely not skinny.” I have NEVER been called fat, ever :’( I admit, after having 2 babies I am not exactly a size 4 anymore, but it is not like I wear plus size clothes. I would like to point out that, yes, the bikini I tried on did fit (but made my legs look short), but that does not make me feel any better about it. I used to be that person that people always used to say “you need to gain some weight” or “I wish I was that thin” I miss being that small.  When did I become the fat girl?